I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
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Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
The Friday File.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?