My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
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I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
If only
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”