schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
You Might Also Like
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”