Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
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Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
the three genders
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”