Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
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[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
The options really are this bad
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge