Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
You Might Also Like
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.