her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
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On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!