the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
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My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me too, bag. Me too….
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
oh you wanna fight?!
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.