13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
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I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace