A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
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guys i’ve cracked the code
eggs benadryl
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Why I divorced her.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
“Everybody freeze!”
-November