when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
You Might Also Like
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.