[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
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Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.