once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
respect
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.