“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
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[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.