We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
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I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.