I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
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It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.