Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 馃ザ
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
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Having to shovel is so rude. It鈥檚 like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
i love diet soda i don鈥檛 care if it gave rats tumours i鈥檓 way bigger and stronger than a rat
My son said he doesn鈥檛 plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we鈥檙e turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey鈥檚 dad and nobody measures up.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
It doesn鈥檛 have to be a plane crash. If we鈥檙e stuck in traffic I鈥檒l seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
the gym I鈥檝e been going to isn鈥檛 helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer