Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
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Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Sex so good you see dead people.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*