*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
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pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.