[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
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There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton