I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
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Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
181.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.