If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
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Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
You can’t outrun your problems…
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
This kid is a star!
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”