Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
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[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
This is painfully accurate 😅
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*