Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
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My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?