As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
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dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.