Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
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[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.