him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
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The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Best spot.. 😅
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.