*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
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I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
#SuperBowl
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.