English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
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I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
good work, detective
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!