[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
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Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.