It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
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*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
My therapist after every session
peep davidson
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?