Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
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DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Finally, a door that understands me
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no