The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
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Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Oh hi lol