do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
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hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.