My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method