Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
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[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)