Is Mercury still in the microwave?
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When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car