I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Cheers Twitter.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”