What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
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ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Pizza is an emotion right?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
goldfish mafia
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.