Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Milk Cube
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta