Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
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If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Boom, boom, ching!
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Matt Goss
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Hotels are back