My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this