Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
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Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
*3.5 thank you very much.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato