pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
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The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I’m crying im so happy for them
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today