me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
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Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Otters see a butterfly.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.