Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
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To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
#Caturday
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus