I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
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[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
You know…for fall…
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds