They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
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date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.