That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
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Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
This makes total sense…
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”