7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
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“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!